recent insomnia

You can skip this post. It's basically working out why I'm not sleeping.

I've had problems staying asleep at night for years, but recently I've been up in the middle of the night more frequently; this is the second time in the last three days that I've been watching the clock number change between 1:30 and 3:00 am (which is what I was doing a few minutes ago before I fired up the computer and started writing this). I usually go to bed around 9:00 pm. My alarm is set to go off at 4:50 am, and I usually turn it off fifteen or twenty minutes before that. On weekends, when I'm planning to sleep late, I'm sometimes good for 6:15 or so, before my back reminds me that it, too, is 56 years old, and could use some movement so that it can put all its parts back in place.

The insomnia is usually related to an anxiety attack, but that's not happening this time. I suspect that it has to do with my father's illness. Recent news is that he's really got leukemia. My sister, who works in a medical practice, is steeping herself in leukemia knowledge. I'm not - I think I'm still not facing that my dad is sick. In fact, I suspect that part (maybe all) of this midnight wakefulness has to do with worrying, or not worrying, about him, or not knowing what to do, or even how upset to be. Because I'm still not as sad or worried as I think I should be (maybe that should read, "...as I think a proper son should be").

On Saturday, there will be a memorial service for my mother's sister who died, six hour's drive away. I've taken off a day to go there, and that's also a source of stress. I'm uncomfortable in family situations. I have not kept up contacts with those family members (I don't keep up contacts with people whom I don't see regularly), and I don't know how to talk to them. Dad won't be going. Mother might go, if she can leave dad for the weekend. I don't think he'll be too sick to leave - he's had two transfusions in less than a week, and sounded strong the last time I spoke to him - but he's scared (he made reference to thinking he's dying when last we spoke on the phone), and they might decide it's better for my mother to stay. It's the right thing to do for me to go. My mother is disappointed that I'm coming back after the funeral and not staying for Sunday. But I'm not close to my relatives, and, frankly, I'm hoping to be back to get a group ride in on Sunday.

I've been eating a lot of junk. The excellent wife reminds me that I need to continue to take care of myself, especially when I'm stressed. She's right, but it's harder to do the daily exercise routine when I haven't been sleeping (see this post about my exercise routine and keeping track of my weight - and was that really over a year ago?). With winter coming, and less riding, I've been looking for more podcasts to listen to while I do the exercises (where on earth did that come from?).

I'm getting tired again. Maybe it's just being tired, but I think it has to do with getting some of this stuff written.