not for its intended purpose

 I've "come out" as both a person in recovery from a substance-use disorder (holy crap; that post was eleven years ago) and as a person with a mental health disorder.

I do daily exercise, and, if I'm exercising in the house, I listen to podcasts. During the pandemic isolation, the Home Cooking podcast, from Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway, was running (and they did two Thanksgiving episodes thereafter).

I'm never going to be much of a cook, but I treasured this podcast. I found Samin's voice, and her laugh, and the interaction between her and Hrishi, soothing and comforting.

I'd save up these episodes for particularly bad days. Much of my anxiety was work-related, so after I retired, I didn't need the soothing as much, and I had two episodes I hadn't listened to yet.

This week was pretty bad (I may do a post about that), and I played one of the remaining episodes today. It still worked as I remembered. My mind is better. And there's one more in the can, and I've still got all the other episodes I can replay, if I need.

Ms Nosrat will probably never know (or, likely, care) how helpful she's been. But this podcast saved me on some of my darkest days. 

I do a daily (well, more-or-less) discipline about remembering what to be grateful for and what I need to focus on each day. Today, this podcast is going on the gratitude column.

coming out as a mental health client

 Trigger warning: discussions of mental health and suicidal thoughts below.

People who know me, know that I’m in substance abuse recovery. I don’t drink or do drugs, and haven’t for over forty years. I don’t keep that a secret.

I also need to “come out” on my mental health problems. I thought of waiting to do a reveal in Mental Health Awareness Month, but that’s not until May.

I’ve also had problems with suicidal thoughts. So I considered Suicide Awareness Month, but that’s September, so I missed it. There are reasons I don’t want to wait (some of those reasons are pure egotism, but there’s also some discomfort with trying to hold this stuff in), so I’m putting it out there now.

I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by a psychiatrist who has the credentials to do so, and I’ve been on medications to manage it (the ones I used didn’t reduce the subjective feeling of anxiety much, but I’m still here, so they may have been effective in reducing the suicidal thoughts to a manageable level). Now, I’m fairly sure that some neurobiologist is gonna come along and tell me, “No, it’s impossible for things to work like that; the biology of your brain doesn’t allow that to be true.” But this is the way I think my anxiety disorder works:

To have an anxiety disorder flareup, I think you need two things:

• The event or condition that causes the anxiety, and

• The psychiatric condition that inflates the anxious feelings to an unmanageable level.

I suspect most people get some anxiety sometimes; things occur to cause worry in most lives. I don’t know what the subjective experience is like for others; I only know my own experience. Sometimes, the worry is not so bad for me; I am able to continue with my daily life without much dysfunction. Other times, when the disorder flares up, I have suicidal thoughts, pain in my thighs and the backs of my upper arms, insomnia, either poor appetite or overeating, diarrhea and (rarely) vomiting. I ruminate through the night and can’t sleep. (The worst time is often 2:00 or 3:00am, because I don’t feel like I can call anyone, and there are few things I can do at those times to distract myself or get help.)

But even when I don’t have the triggering event or condition that causes the anxiety, sometimes I think the “disorder” part manifests. I can feel a general sense of unease; I get anhedonia (nothing feels right or tastes right, or “sparks joy”); I have poor concentration; I have a hard time focusing on responsibilities, or even listening to what people I care about have to say.

I’ve been going through a bout of that recently.

Some of it has to do with my suicidal thoughts. Now, except for a short time one night a few months ago, I haven’t had a serious episode of the anxiety problem since I quit working (much of my anxiety problems are tied to either work or relationship issues luckily, the latter appear to be in good standing). Suicide screening is something I know something about (I was a mental health screener for a few years – ironic, right?). And when you’re screening for suicide, one of the things you ask about is whether the person has a plan, how close or easy to achieve that plan is, and whether the plan is likely to be fatal. For example, a person who says he or she wants to suicide by overdose, but doesn’t have the pills, and doesn’t know which pills are likely to actually be fatal, and hasn’t done any research into either question, actually has a comparatively low likelihood of suicide (although that doesn’t mean you don’t take the issue seriously). The person who intends to shoot himself (usually) or herself, and has the gun and ammunition, is a much more worrisome case.

When it was really bad, my plan was to jump off a bridge. The Morris and Donald Goodkind Bridges are the bridges that carry Route 1 over the Raritan River: the northbound bridge is named for Morris and the southbound for his son Donald. Morris has more-or-less convenient parking, and does not appear to have suicide-prevention fencing or other measures in place. That’s the bridge from which I was going to jump when I was in the worst of my anxiety.

I’m not in that anxiety anymore, and have no intention of pursuing suicide. But the plan doesn’t evaporate just because I no longer have the intention. So the answer to the question, “Do you have a plan?” is yes, and the plan is both proximate and likely to be fatal… which will make the inexperienced screener commit me. But the truth is, my life is good now, and I have no intention of suicide, which is why I’m still at large and not on unpleasant medications.

Further, most of the times I cross either Morris or David, I’m reminded that, while things were bad once upon a time, they are not so, now. Every crossing of those bridges is a reminder that I’ve successfully survived this long, even though, at times, it was not clear that I would. Every crossing is a little triumph.

And the reason I didn’t want to wait for months to post this stuff, is that I was fairly sure that writing and posting it would relieve some of the craziness I’ve been feeling – and it has worked; I’m much better for having this out there. I’m lucky in that I’m retired, and my livelihood would not be affected by my honesty about my mental health condition (and, having worked in mental health and substance abuse, I’m sure that even then, I had more flexibility than most in the workaday world, although even among my peers in that field, there is some stigma to having the same problems we treat in our clients). I know that not everybody can be as honest as this about a similar condition.

But I want to be “out” as a person who has suffered from mental health problems. It’s possible that my having been honest about this might be a disincentive for some people to seek help. But if it’s possible that my experience might get another person closer to getting the help they need… then isn’t it pretty much my responsibility to do it? Especially when I now have so little at stake?

with the change in the weather...

 The weather has turned cooler with the arrival of autumn, which means I'm back to being that guy who puts on a blazer and bow tie to go to the grocery.

among the consolations of retirement

 In my last post, I was complaining about being old, and being thought of as old (which are different things). When today broke with sunshine, The Excellent Wife (TEW) hinted (HAH!) that I might benefit from a ride with The Old Guys... so off I went to Byron Johnson Park to tag along with Bill B's ride.

Although the sun was out when I left the house, clouds prevailed for most of the ride, and I was slightly underdressed (the excellent Martin G got this, with me on the right).

That's a Bristol-Myers-Squibb jersey, part of a haul with which a neighbor gifted me (three long-sleeve jerseys, those bib shorts, and some other stuff). The kit is far better quality than I would ever buy for myself, and I wear it unapologetically, despite not having done the advertised ride. But another layer would have been a good idea.

Bill did this route. I mostly behaved myself, and rode with him until the break, allowing the faster folks to go off the front.

At the stop:

After the stop, however, Martin, Sophie, Jen A, and I let excitement get the better of us, and sped off ahead of the group. I was the first to flag... Chris C came up behind, and we rolled along until we came up on Martin replacing a tube. He was replacing the tube by himself, which is unheard of on FreeWheeler rides.

Dave G rolled up...

... and I couldn't resist this of Sophie & Jen getting a selfie. This picture makes me smile.

At the parking lot at then end, I gave out a few of the too-many business cards I've had printed up about my Ramblin' Wrench bicycle maintenance venture. Hint, hint.

TEW, and everybody else who told me I needed to get a ride in, was right. I'm better. The stuff I wrote in my last post is still true, but it's not the only truth.

Life is good.

one of the benefits of retirement

 One of the benefits of retirement is that when you're not busy with something else, you get to go out on a Club ride on a Monday morning. I tagged along with Eddie L's ride from Etra Park yesterday.

Above center, in black: Al P. His wife died recently; it was good to see him out among folks he sees and rides with frequently.

Many of these guys ride together often, and, with the weather warming*, more of them are starting to come out. I'm hoping to become a semi-regular, although this month already has conflicts either planned or looming.

*"Warming" here is, of course, relative; there was ice on the car when I was loading up the bike yesterday morning, and there was discussion about the wind, and how many layers I wear under the long-sleeve jersey I wear as an outer layer. (The answer was four layers, plus the jersey, yesterday; sometimes I go as many as six under,)

These guys are easy to ride with, generally. The C+ ride I did had riders with a range of abilities and some go off the front (and wait at turns); some ride at the back, Some who ride at the back choose to do so.

We stopped at the Jackson Wawa:

It was a good way to spend a Monday. Ride page.

That was yesterday. For today, other commitments, including delivering to the New Brunswick Bike Exchange a bike that makes me angrier every time I look at it. Check in tomorrow when I post my rant about this fraudulence.

ramblin' wrench

I was on a ride last week, and got to taking with one of the other riders. He uses a mechanic that used to work in a shop, but now works on his own. He'll go to your house and pick up your bike, do the work, and bring it back to you.

This is a model I can steal.

I've done work for a few people. I've had them buy parts, and either have them delivered to me, or bring the parts when they drop off the bike. I do the work, and then have them come to pick up the bike.

Today I did something different: I went to the rider's home and did the work there. 

She seemed to be grateful for the convenience, and satisfied with the service, and we discussed how the model might work for me. We discussed branding for a bit, and when I later came up with what I thought was a good idea, she did, too.

So I'm sort-of announcing the opening of Plain Jim's Ramblin' Wrench - Bike Maintenance comes to you! With the bike rack on the car and a stand in the hatch, a tool box, and a crate of sundry supplies, I can do several services right in your yard... and for things that need more time and attention, I'll pop the bike on the rack and bring it back for the work.

If you need parts, I can send you a link to buy online (and if you can find the right part, but less expensive, so much the better!). When the part comes in, if I have the bike I'll just put it on; if I have to pick up, we'll make arrangements to do so.

As for how to charge: a number of the local shops have their service menus online. I can match those prices, since, although I'll be using my own gas, I don't have to pay for real estate. (And I'm doing this partly to stay out of trouble anyway.)

I've set up an email address at ramblinwrench@gmail.com. Maybe I'll put an ad on Craigslist...

first movement allegro, then moderato

There were two rides going out of Etra today, Al's C+ ride and a C ride. One of the riders on the C ride has a problem with his front shifter, which would not shift down from the big ring. Eventually, through magic and dumb luck, it went to the middle ring of his triple, and I warned him to lave it be; he'd be able to do the ride from his middle ring (I rode for years on that ring, except on the hilliest rides, when I had a triple), and there was no guarantee he'd be able to get the shifter onto the middle ring again if he moved it. I saw him later at the end, so, whether or not he had heeded my advice, he DID get back.

Now, Al P insists that he has no problems with his C+ ride breaking up into a fast and a slow group; he expects the faster folks to go off the front and meet up at the stop, and then again at the end.

This is so contrary to some other group rides I go on, that I asked him four or five times if he really meant it. It appears he really does.

So of the fourteen of us that reported for his C+ ride today, seven of us (yours truly included) took the first half, up to the stop, at a mid-B pace. The others got to the Minit Stop shortly after we got there; we were apparently not that far ahead of them.

Above: I am not generally a fan of plastic bikes... but that candy-apple red is niiiice.

On the way back, sensibility prevailed, and I let the mostly-younger and faster group go without me; I came back at a more conversational pace with Al P and his gang.

I'm finally gettin' some Team Social Security rides in. Retirement is beginning to feel like it might work for me.

Ride page.

a midweek ride, and another mini-bonk

 Prior to retirement, I was looking forward to riding regularly with "the old guys", "Team Social Security", the group of mostly-retired folks (not all of 'em guys, by any means) who ride together during the week. Weather and circumstances have conspired against this, but today I got the chance to roll along on Ed L's 30-miler out of Etra Park.

Of the ten on the ride, I knew eight reasonably well; I met the two who are new to me. As is common with the weekday group, I spent time chatting. When I spoke about the difficulty I'd had in the earliest days of my retirement, some mentioned either similar experiences or reasonable theories, so I feel a bit less foolish (and ungrateful) complaining about my idleness. 

 We spoke about that e-bike accident on Route 1. Some thought the person might have been suicidal or crazy; others just thought she was thoughtless. I think she just didn't know what to do with this new, in- between technology.

For a small group, we got separated quickly and more than once. The folks on the ride didn't think much of it, apparently; the folks in the back were known to have asthma and some other respiratory issue, and we made a point of waiting for 'em before (or just after) turns.

We stopped at Roy's.

Two notes about Roy's: first - why do we stop there? They hate us, they do nothing except complain about us, they lie about the damage we cause, they object to our using the plumbing. Why can't we find other places to go? How about Charleston Coffee? How about Stonebridge Bagels? I know there are few places that are actually happy to see us, but do we have to patronize a business that so obviously wishes we would not?

Second, there was a sign on the door that they will be closed on Mondays. Some of the All-Paces rides are on Monday holidays (Labor Day comes to mind). Ride leaders might have an excuse to pick different routes for those rides, that are not so dependent on Roy's for the stop, as they're likely to be closed.

After the stop, we stopped at the trail crossing to visit a porta-potty, and after that, Ernie and I got to talking about cadence; Ernie said that he's tried a higher cadence, but complains it wears out his legs. I pointed out that he's got a lot of riding years together, and what he's been doing appears to be working. (I think higher cadence is partly natural tendency, but I think it can be learned as well, at least to some extent.) (I also think my opinion on training, nutrition, and similar bike-y topics is next door to useless. I'm pretty good with a wrench, but I'm not a coach, nor a dietitian.)

And once again, as last time, I had a minor bonk near the end. I'm not eating enough prior to the ride. I need to ride more frequently to figure out what's gonna work.*

See what you can do to ease up on the extreme weather, so I can make that happen, OK? Let me know what you get.

Ride page.

*Didn't I say something about not being a dietitian?

joining the team

 

I stopped work before Thanksgiving, and officially retired December 1, 2021... but, given the weather, my early-retirement mishaps, and their schedule, I haven't been able to get out on a Team Social Security ride. So when I saw Joe M had one scheduled for yesterday, I signed up, even though I had no idea where Northern Community Park on Groveville Road was. Aren't they supposed to start from Allentown on Wednesdays?

Well, yeah, but... well, the toilets have been locked up in Allentown since about the start of the pandemic, and the toilets at this park are open. And when you're dealing with a number of people of the age of this team, toilet availability is A Consideration. This is an issue which has become of concern to me; we need not elaborate further.

Above: Andy A's Bianchi is so pretty.

With the predicted wind and cold, Joe had planned 31 miles with a short stop. The wind certainly came through; we had one of those rides where we could turn 90°, or more, and still be fighting a headwind (and "fighting" is the term to use; it was substantial. Laura OLPH says, "Y'know what riding into a headwind is good training for? Riding into a headwind").

This ride wasn't as fast as some of the TSS rides get, and I got a chance to chat with some of the guys (I hope to have more chances, as I ride with 'em more frequently, if this cold ever breaks). I was complaining what a failure I've been at retirement to Pete P, and he suggested I needed a hobby. I replied, " I've got one!", as I continued to pedal, but we agreed maybe I need a winter hobby.

We stopped in Columbus; you may have recognized from the building in the background in the picture at top.

(Hrmph. Abut half my pictures didn't come out: schmutz on the lens. I need to take better care of my gear.)

I had such a good time on this ride, that I decided to post something for the weekend, even though it's gonna be way colder. I need some #$%&ing rides, dammit.

Ride page.

the idle mind...

 Oh, my stars, but when it hasn't been too cold for me to ride recently (a number of the Hill Slugs have apparently done a trail ride), it's been too wet. I've been sitting home idle, trying to avoid being completely overwhelmed by self pity. 

I got to thinking about the organizer bags I use in my seatbag to manage my CO₂ cartridges, multi-tool, and the like. I got about a dozen or so at a dollar store than has since gone belly-up, and I haven't seen the like elsewhere to replace them. They're zipper bags, about 5x7", with a layer of plastic on the fabric so they're at least nominally water-resistant... but the fabric is thin and wears out, and the zipper gives up at the slightest sign of overfill.

I've got this fabric that I used to make saddle covers (the plastic I got initially proved to be too thin, so I got some polyester canvas with a rubber coating). I got way too much, thinking that I'd need to make several saddle covers until I found a design that worked... and then I hit on an effective design on the first try. I've got two saddle covers, so if The Excellent Wife (TEW) and have both bikes on the car, we can protect both saddles (only mine is leather, but there you are).

I had to get a zipper for another project, and got a couple of blue-jeans zippers to play with for this (although I'd use heavy plastic zippers in future; the brass resists zipping on these bags). At first, I thought of a rectangular bag (bottom left, above)... but I got the corners wrong, and it turned out not to fit neatly in the seatbag I use (at top, above, the Topeak Large Aero Wedge; it's the biggest underseat bag I can find that doesn't require a separate frame and doesn't seem TOO stupid). The bag fits, of course... but it makes it hard to also fit in the two tubes and the VAR tire tools I like to carry.

Then I got the idea of making a bag that was the shape of the seatbag. I tried tracing the bottom, but that turned out to have too much "pinch" at the narrow end. Then I traced the side, and that worked better; you can see the bag at center bottom, above (bottom right is the pattern I traced). I can push it in to one side of the bag, and get the two tubes next to it.

It fits two CO₂ cartridges, my "detonator", my Crank Brothers M-19 multi-tool, and my Lezyne aluminum tire levers. It doesn't fit the pill bottle full of a dozen-or-so quicklinks in 9- and 10-speed sizes (I know from experience that I can use a 10-speed link on an 11-speed chain), but that can sit in the narrow nose of the seatbag*. I figured the angled zipper on the side would give me easier access than a zipper on the end (and I was right). My two tubes, the VAR tools, a set of Allen wrenches, and some tire boots also fit in the seatbag (though not in the organizer).

*I have had to use these exactly twice in my decades of riding, but I make it a point of pride to have with me what I need to get you going again. There's probably not enough therapy in the world to fix me.

I need to think of another project; it doesn't look like the weather is improving soon.