more retirement

This post turned out longer than I thought it would. I was going to type in some kind of permission to skip it (HAH! As if you needed that!), but I think I'd like any feedback you can provide, so I'd be grateful if you read through it. 

Are bitmoji's still a thing?

Today, December 1, is the first day I'm actually jobless in retirement (I stopped working on November 18, and the remainder of the month was paid leave: mostly various days that had to be taken or I would lose them, and yesterday as a vacation day, because some obscure Rutgers or UBHC rule forbids taking any of those types of leave as your last day of work). I haven't been sleeping well. The Excellent Wife (TEW) and I are both persuaded that the insomnia has something to do with the retirement process, but I have not been kept awake by wrenching, physically-painful anxiety as I have in the past; I just wake up, and it's clear I'm not going back to sleep for a while. So, rather than disturb the slumbers of TEW, I get up and do stuff on the computer, or read, or something. I can usually get back to sleep after an hour, or maybe 90 minutes.

The one thing I thought was going to be a major source of anxiety has not proven so (although I'm not completely free from concern about it). I expect a paycheck for two more days... and then I'm dependent on my savings, my retirement plan (also mostly savings, although I have two tiny pensions from the old world), and Social Security. I have the promise from Social Security that yes, the money will be coming... but not until the second Tuesday in January (there's a wonderfully Byzantine rule about when the payments from Social Security come to you, having to do with the date during the month on which you were born). But since it hasn't come yet, there's the nagging fear that it's not going to. (I've just now checked, and the two pension payments, due today, are, indeed, in the appropriate account. They appear with reassuring regularity.)

Three other things are floating around in the retirement-anxiety ether. The first is fear of the onset of dementia. When my father died almost a decade ago, my mother gave up all the friends and connections she had in Asheville (to where they had moved after my father's retirement, and which she loved), and moved into a senior-living home in Buffalo, to be near my sister (I was completely left out of these discussions, as I had been on a number of other family decisions, but that is a rant for another, also undoubtedly long and verbose, post). Although mother engaged in a few of the activities offered by the facility, as time went on, the offerings diminished, and my mother did not seek others (or even attend the few that were available). It's clear to me that she gave up on her life and was (and is) waiting to die. She has asked several times, "Why am I still alive?" Neither of her parents, nor her older sister, lived to anything like the age she is now.

Her memory has gone. She suffers from dementia. I'm convinced it's because she disconnected herself from life... and that has become a lesson to me: it is my intention to keep engaged, to meet new people and remain connected to current friends, to learn new things. There is good research showing that,, along with a physically healthy lifestyle (including nutrition and activity), engagement and intellectual challenge are protective factors against dementia. Well, I'm gonna do my best.

Which brings me to the second anxiety-related issue. As part of keeping engaged, I decided to look for a job at a bike shop, and I appear to have an opportunity at Sourland Cycles. I had hoped to be a mechanic, but, while it's true I've built my bikes from parts, and I'm a good meatball mechanic to get you home should something untoward happen on a ride, my skills are not at the point where I can do that at this store. It's been humbling to meditate on this over the past several days: after 36 years in the substance-abuse field, including obtaining a masters degree and a license; after experience in treatment, training, and prevention in that field; after having the respect of coworkers and colleagues... I'm starting off at the bottom of a new field again. I'm not an authority; I'm a tyro.

The third thought that intrudes: I'm not working now. I'm living off a "handout", Social Security (although I paid into the system for over four decades -- I worked for seven years in the insurance industry prior to the career change to substance abuse) and my savings. Am I a drain on society? Am I still contributing to the greater good? I've been rushing to keep promises I made to address things after I retire, whether commitments to friends, or "honey do" chores at home (there are painting supplies in the other room for a bathroom I'll probably address later today). Who am I? Who are my people? Am I doing enough for them that they aren't going to cast me out?

So there we are. I'm not going to be able to button this post up with a neat ending (as I think I like to do), because I'm still in the middle of these thoughts. There will be more to come, I'm sure.