Friday, October 7, 2011

asking the indulgence of the universe

Schizophrenics hear voices, and don’t know where they come from. I hear an internal monologue, but I know it’s me telling me about myself and my experiences.

Schizophrenics’ voices are often demeaning, insulting, denigrating. My interior monologue gets that way, too, sometimes.

People with chronic mental illnesses have “good” periods and “bad” periods. I can tell I’m getting onto a bad period when I start voicing my responses to my interior monologue. People start asking me what I just said (I don’t always remember), or tell me I’m talking to myself again.

I’m sure it will pass, but I can tell that I’m having a mini-bad period. When it’s a real bad time, it’s really bad; those are the times I go for help. I don’t think I need help now, but it’s not very pleasant.

But I think I’m unusually crazy (just a bit). I ask for some indulgence from my friends, my coworkers, and the universe. I should be back to my usual, boring, too-talkative self in a week or so.

(Back when I was in early recovery from my alcohol/drug use, I thought these periods were about adjusting to real life. But I haven't used in almost 30 years, so, apparently, this is one of those things I'm going to have to live with. It feels like I have more of these episodes than I once did, but that may be just my perception.)

No comments:

Post a Comment