barely holding on

I had hoped to continue going into the office, but it was made clear that That.Was.Not.To.Happen, so I packed up my work computer on Monday, and I'm working from home. Since I don't have to knot up a tie or do the commute, you'd think I'd have no problem getting logged in on time, but both days I've barely gotten to computer fired up by start time.

While we've got food in the house, it's not the usual stuff I eat during the day, and I was hungry all day yesterday. Today The Excellent Wife (TEW) got out shopping and got some more stuff. Now I'm trying to minimize consumption and make it last, because who knows when we'll get out again? I'm an ace away from 65 years old, which puts me in a high-risk group for the COVID-19 illness. So to reduce my risk, we've decided I should stay away from stores. At the same time, it's all I can do to keep from eating all of the bars and junk food in the house.

For years, I've made a practice of looking at my retirement plans daily. There have been ups and downs, but it's been scary to see my investments drop. Even in my fairly conservative portfolio, I'm down about 17%, and have lost the equivalent of about two years' salary in the past month. Yeah, it will probably come back, and I'm certainly not going to move my money now, but it's no fun. I'm hoping to retire sooner rather than later, and this is just sucking the wind out of me.

I saw an article about the Lt. Governor of Texas telling us all to get back to work. I'd love to. But what if I were responsible for someone getting the virus and subsequently dying? I'm more afraid of that than of dying myself.

So here's a silly thing that takes up far too much emotional space: I probably won't be able to get a haircut. Every now and then, we go somewhere where old hippies gather, and I see some man of a certain age who looks like he hasn't bothered to clean himself up and make himself presentable since, say, the second Bush administration. It makes my skin crawl, and I often get a haircut a few days later. I won't be able to do that. I've started a beard to give some excuse to my disheveled, unkempt appearance. But if the barber were available (and safe) tomorrow, I'd shave it all off again. (I got a Wahl trimmer kit for a present a gazillion years ago; if it gets really bad, I'll just give myself a whole-head buzzcut. TEW will be appalled.)

One of my coworkers, who's seen me at my worst ( two or three years ago, when I was going through one of my bad anxieties, pretty much everybody stayed away; we joke about it now, but I was closer to suicide the than I ever want to get), tells me I need to list what I'm grateful for. He's right. So here are a few:

• I'm working and getting paid. Many are not.
• I have the support of TEW. 
• I have the (perhaps more distant) support of a few friends, whom I haven't driven off.
• I'm far away from my family, and I don't have to put up with them. (Yes, I'm grateful for the distance from my family.)
• I'm still watching my diet and doing my daily exercises. (Yes. I do some kind of physical workout every day. When I can't ride, I use a rowing machine, or weights and bodyweight exercises. And I've done it every day for months; I'm still continuing.)
• All five computers, both tablets, and both cell phones are working, as is the home network and the internet.
• .We have food, clothing, a warm house, transportation, no debt.

Here's hoping you stay healthy. In every way