role reversal

My eight-months-widowed mother moved a thousand miles away from her whole life, and every friend she's had for the past twenty-five years, after my father died, placing herself in a supported apartment near the home of my sister and brother-in-law in Buffalo, NY, seven hours away from The Excellent Wife (TEW) and me.

Last week she complained about some gastrointestinal distress that did not get better, so my sister spent all day in the emergency room one day getting mother into the hospital.  It turned out she required gall-bladder surgery, and mother is now in a rehab for recovery from the surgery. During the hospitalization, and since then, my sister has provided support, interpretation with hospital staff (sister works in a doctor's office, so she speaks a bit of hospital), and numerous other services for mother.  Mother's responses to her have ranged from gratitude, to (apparently) wishing to die, to demanding that my sister give up her whole life and care for mother exclusively. Sister, of course, is confused, angry, bewildered... showing signs normally associated with PTSD.

Mother's behavior, and my sister's responses, indicate to me that they have switched the roles that we normally associate. Mother has been acting the child, and my sister is acting the adult. Under the circumstances, I'm suggesting that my sister set some limits with mother, and I have told my sister that I will support her in whatever he does (I have every confidence that she will not do anything evil, although she may make mistakes - and, when she does, I have every confidence that she will fix them).

At the time of my father's funeral, my mother called me one morning at 5:30 am demanding I be there for the period she stated. I agreed to do so, because of the funeral, but I resolved at that time not to accept unacceptable behavior from her anymore. When she acts like an adult, I will treat mother like an adult. When she does not, I will treat her as her behavior warrants. I hope my sister can do the same.

TEW has shown me some family dynamics which appear to describe our family (and which are not appropriately discussed in this space). I'm glad to have TEW's independent observations and interpretation; it makes my resolve a little bit easier to maintain - and, I expect, setting limits with mother, and keeping to them, will ultimately mean improved relationships all around.